one day.

one day I'm going to have a little boy.

he's going to be my heart and soul--a piece of what david and I have created in life.

because we're nerds (but mostly dreamers) we already have his name picked out. it's the perfect combination of adorable cuteness for a baby and masculine manliness for a grown man.

I'm excited for that day.

not now, but one day.

{pics taken with the incredibly cool bradyn, 3 years old}

birthday festivities.

I went outside this morning to get something from my car and was taken aback by the humid and hot temperature.  Yes, I know I live in Florida, but I thought maybe we would have a few more weeks of nice, subtle mornings.  I'm guessing that's over now and summer is coming in full-force.

It's perfect timing because we are escaping to Colorado for a week in just a few sweet days.
I'm so excited--it has been 9 months since I have seen my best friends and it has been 6 months since I've seen any of my family.  It's going to be good.

My birthday didn't really go as expected.  I ended up working that day about 15 hours.  By the time I got home, I was so tired and just went to bed.
The next day was celebration.  And my husband did a good job.
Many times I have to remind him of the things I like, the places I want to go... etc but when I woke up and went into the kitchen to get water, I started bawling uncontrollably.  There was a hand-written love note to me and six yellow roses.  Nothing does it for me like hand-written things and beautiful blooms.  But what was so sweet about it was that I wasn't expecting anything like that.  And just to read his heart on paper made me cry.  Yes, we live together and see each other everyday, but we don't always tell each other we love each other enough.  Life gets busy and other things demand our attention.  It was so sweet of him.

Later that evening after he got off of work, he told me we needed to leave because we had somewhere to be.  I quickly got ready after being lazy all day and working on projects.  We drove to Orlando, which is very rare for us.  Generally, we avoid Orlando unless we absolutely have to go there.  The traffic, the chaos, the tourist drivers... no, thank you.  But when we do go to Orlando it's usually for something exciting.  He took me to Dexter's.

It's a restaurant we have near our house, but this one was a different atmosphere.

He ordered this Asiago Cheese dip and I had a few nibbles.
It was delicious to say the least.  I still kept with my shrimp salad, though.
Afterwards, we walked around outside--looking at the cute boutiques and shops.  I found this owl necklace I really loved but it was like, 50 bucks.  Bummer.
Next, we went to Starbucks.  It's not a hang-out with David unless there is Starbucks involved.
We told the barista it was my birthday and asked for something free.  He said he couldn't do that.  And then David whipped out a free drink coupon for HIS birthday that was back in February.  The barista accepted it and said, "I'll make this myself for you."
He gave us two grande frappucinnos with a shot of expresso in each--for free.  The guy was awesome.

Please excuse the burn on my hand...so not attractive at all

After I got over my massive stomach-ache from that fat-filled frappe, we walked to the movie theatre.  He originally had planned to see Titanic in 3D with me, but they wouldn't accept his vouchers for a 3D movie which is stupid.  Nonetheless, we saw the Hunger Games (his second time seeing it) and it was an impressive movie so I was happy with it.

It's funny.  Every time either of us plans to do something, our plans usually change in the middle.  We have NEVER had a hang out that was perfectly orchestrated and planned.  I like that.  I like being married to somebody who's spontaneous.  He makes life so much more interesting.

twenty-two.

When I was a little girl, I always imagined myself years down the road--where I'd be, the man I'd marry, the house I'd live in, the car I'd drive, and the kids I would have.  Now that I'm older, I imagine myself as a kid again--carefree, dependent, secure, safe, dearly loved every day.  I know I'm loved, but nothing replaces the embrace of a mom after falling off a swing set and dropping my popsicle, or a dad who rubs your hair while you fall asleep crying because of what mean girls said at school.  Those are moments that have forever shaped me.  They have taught me life lessons.

The older I get, the more I remember my childhood.  Running on hardwood floors with bare feet, the smell of the garden hose when we would fill up the pool (and filling up the pool was a momentous occasion because in Colorado you never knew how long summer would stick around).

The way my parents would teach me how to spell words correctly--me writing "Probly" and hearing my mom's tender voice, "It's Prob-AB-ly.  Spell it out."  I still remember the way she said it and the way she looked. I remember the wild flowers that would grow on the side of our yellow house--how my little brother Jeremy and I would play in them, catching bumblebees and keeping them as pets either in mason jars or in the screens with our windows closed until they died, then having a special funeral for them--trumpet playing and all.

             

I remember the day my parents woke me up to tell me that I was going to have a little sister, and meeting Kiley for the first time.  She was the most beautiful baby in the world to me and I remember saying, "I'm going to give her hundreds of dollars for her birthday every year so she can spend it at the mall."  (Sorry, Kiley, in reality I'm not actually rich or I would hold myself to that statement.)
I remember all the times I "performed" for family, friends, and sometimes just the stars.  The front porch was my favorite stage.  I enjoyed creating things...I always wanted to invent something new.  Every summer I convinced myself that I was going to create a robot and I was not going to give up.  So, for a few days I would start my robot, thanks to paper and glue, then realizing that I can't actually create a robot out of paper and feeling stupid.

I remember the summers spent outside rollerskating with the neighborhood kids  and trying to create an ambience of a skater rink with Britney Spears, N*Sync and Backstreet Boys blaring from the boombox in the front window.


I was a hopeful little girl, always dreaming and thinking of something.  My teachers didn't understand me.  I doodled on all my papers and hummed songs, especially during math lessons.  I made my first book when I was 6 years old.  It was twenty pages long about a princess named Shaylee, complete with illustrations of stick figures. With long hair, of course.  I was proud of that book and my parents made a big deal about it.  They pushed me in all areas of my life that I had interest in.  They wanted me to the best I could be.

Those were moments that shaped me.  They are just a few of many, many moments that keep reappearing in my memory more and more each day.  In a world of "information overload," it may be surprising to hear that.  But it's not surprising to me because I love to remember.  I wouldn't be standing here today without those little moments in my life, and without the support of a loving family.


Sometimes I forget that I'm married and moved away years ago.  Sometimes I forget that I'm an adult now with a job, with bills, and responsibility.  It all happened too fast.  How can you prepare for these moments of "adulthood" anyway? I don't think any amount of preparation will prepare you.  There is nothing predictable about life.  There is nothing predictable about God.  I think remembering where you came from is how you get to where you're going.

Today, I'm twenty-two years young.
And as much as I don't want to get older, I know I need to.  There's a whole other perspective out there waiting for me.  There are new memories that will form.  There is more "magic" to be created with my little ones when God blesses me with them.  There are more possibilities and experiences right around the corner.  It's good to remember and it's better to live now, even if it's unfamiliar or uncertain.  I'm looking forward to this new age that I've never been before.  This is a new chapter in my story; a new journey to embark upon.

my master cleanse experience--and losing 12 pounds!

As many of you know,  I endured a two-week cleanse called the Master Cleanse.  I journaled throughout my experience so that people could be informed of what happens during the process.

What is the Master Cleanse?

Morning:  Drink 32 oz of SEA SALT water

During the day:  With every 10 oz of water, mix 2 tbsp of FRESH squeezed lemon, 2 tbsp GRADE B Maple Syrup (I found mine at Publix), and 1/10 tsp of cayenne pepper

Night:  Drink laxative tea before bed

What does it do? 

It gets rid of all the toxins in your body, as well as fecal matter living in your intestines that could be have been there for an entire decade (so nasty).  It also aids in putting you at a healthier lifestyle--one centered around fruits and vegetables, not sugar and processed foods.

My whole life has been a constant struggle with weight.  A few months ago, I went to the doctor's for a physical.  He told me that not only was I overweight, but I was obese.  Obese!  When I heard that word,  I couldn't believe it.  I guess I was in denial all this time, but I never saw myself as obese.  But even with the facts right in front of me, I didn't do much to change it. I was depressed, didn't have energy, and just wanted to eat or sleep.

It wasn't until we went on a Disney Cruise and my father in law snapped this photo that I realized how badly I've been taking care of myself:

This was such a fun day -- riding with family on Castaway Cay, Disney's Island... BUT this picture makes me cringe and it keeps me going with my weight loss.

I looked up cleanses, seeing if there was one that would work for me, and that's when I came across the Master Cleanse.  After a lot of research, I decided to take the leap and try it out.  I was consuming 3,000 calories a day on average probably and hadn't exercised in months, but I decided to believe in myself and take the leap.  So I did.  

Before I share my journal with you, I just want to say.... honestly... if I can do it, YOU CAN TOO!

I was doing this while having a job & in the run of a show.

Maybe the Master Cleanse isn't right for you, but I recommend finding one that is right... maybe a juice cleanse.  Cleanses are important because they clear out our system and give our organs a break.  I plan to do this every 6 months.

Some tips if you decide to do this:

1.     Do NOT make the lemonade ahead of time and store overnight.  The Cayenne Pepper will dilute the water and the drink will be very SPICY.  It will be almost unbearable to drink.  This happened to me the first day and I drank all 85 ounces like that because I didn’t want to waste it.  I decided to take a gulp of water each time I took a gulp of the lemonade.  But I had a show that night, and I did notice the burning a little bit while singing.

2.     When doing the saltwater flush, it’s best if the water is at room temperature.  It’s much easier to drink that way from my experience.

3.     May be TMI, but if you feel like you have to pass gas, you’re not really passing gas.  GET TO A BATHROOM IMMEDIATELY!

Day 1: March 23, 2012

Weight: 186 pounds

11 PM

Feeling very hungry, so I think I am just going to go to bed.  Can’t drink any more lemonade, it was way too spicy today because I made it wrong.  I didn’t feel hungry all day because I drank every 2 hours or so, and then lots of water in between.  I think I peed a total of 30 times today.  I have cravings, but that’s natural as my body gets off the crap it’s used to.  I’m also tired, but have read up on that and the first few days you are very tired because there are so many toxins leaving your body.  About to drink my laxative tea and then get some sleep.

Day 2: March 24, 2012

Weight: 183 pounds

12 PM

It’s early in the day and I’ve already experienced lots of…uh… crap in the bathroom. 

I drank the saltwater flush today but took my time and didn’t do it all at once.  So now I have to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes.  Today is a lot more than yesterday.  It feels like there is pee coming out but on the other end.  Again, may be TMI, but I want everyone to know what you WILL experience on this cleanse.  A lot of people recommend to not leave your house until 2 hours after you have had the saltwater flush, and this is why!! Listen to the advice!!  I feel a difference in my body today.  I lose weight in my face first and today my face looks less puffy.  My skin also looks like it’s glowing.  I’ve lost 3 pounds since yesterday, which surprised me.  I haven’t been hungry yet today, but I think I will make my first lemonade drink now.

11 PM

I’ve been hungry since 6 PM, like legitimately hungry.  I counted the calories I consumed and realized I didn’t have enough today.  I only had 950 calories. NO GOOD! I need to up my intake tomorrow.  David had me pick up Wendy’s on the way home from the theatre.  Torturous, but I didn’t eat anything!  Self-control! Feeling exhausted, cranky, hungry and worthless.  Literally I do.  What has happened to me?  I know that feeling down has a lot to do with getting off this addiction to food and all the bad things leaving my body, but I want to be myself again.

Day 3: March 25, 2012

Weight: 182

6:30 AM

Hello, bloating stomach.  I only got 5 hours of sleep last night because we are leaving for church in an hour and I want to make sure I’m cleaned out before I go.  Just had my saltwater flush.  Feeling okay today, just bloated like I said.

11:30 PM

Had a lot of energy today!  Made sure I got atleast 1,200 calories in from the syrup & I’m feeling great!  World of difference from yesterday.  My friend Hannah came over and she and David had chips & fresh salsa and delicious-smelling pizza.  My sense of smell has always been great, but ever since yesterday it has heightened even more.  Anyway, I made the pizza myself  (put it in the oven, took it out) & didn’t even think about touching it.  I feel like I’m on top of the world.  I’m very proud of myself & who I’m turning into.  I was once a slave to food addiction and now I’m running from that lifestyle. I’m overcoming.  I feel my stomach shrinking, my skin glowing more and more by the second, and I’m starting to feel more like the confident young woman God wants me to be.  This cleanse has been a win-win.  11 days to go.  I believe in me.

Day 4: March 26, 2012

Weight: 180

I can’t believe I’ve lost 6 pounds in 3 days.  I feel great.  A little sluggish at times, but overall I think my body is getting use to this lemonade drink.  It actually started to taste delicious today.

Day 5: March 27, 2012

Weight: 180

10 PM

I almost quit today.  Almost gave up.  Craving everything and it felt a lot like day 2.  Had some headaches and lots of grumpiness.

Day 6: March 28, 2012

Weight: 179

11 PM

I wasn’t hungry today until I went to my audition and we did the dance portion for almost two hours.  Haven’t been exercising on this at all obviously, so this made me extremely hungry.  Met David and some friends at a Pizzeria.  They were already done eating but the smell was in the air.  I gulped down 30 ounces of lemonade, telling myself that one day soon I could eat pizza.  I actually imagined Old Chicago, which is an amazing restaurant that we don’t have here in Florida, but they have in Colorado.  I’m going there next month and I WILL be cheating that day and will have their Italian nachos & pizza.  Okay, gotta stop talking about food now 

Day 7: March 29, 2012

Weight: 176 pounds

Heartburn today.  Had lots of energy today and felt like I got a lot of things done, though.

Day 8: March 30, 2012

Weight: 176 pounds

I’ve had INTENSE heartburn for the last two days, and that is no good as a performer.  It means burping at the wrong times!  I still feel like my body is being cleansed and everything, but I’m starting to full-on desire food. I think about it all day long, every single day.  I may end up cutting this short.

Day 9: March 31, 2012

10 AM

Didn’t weigh myself today.  I threw up last night and I don’t think it’s normal.  I ended up being so light-headed and sick that I had a few plain crackers just to put something in my stomach to absorb whatever was left.  As soon as I put it in my stomach, I was magically okay.  I’m thinking this may be a sign that my body wants to go back to eating foods, but I’ll do this for a few more days and see what happens.

11 PM

I had a much better day today, but still not feeling completely well. So, I’m going to take my tea and go to sleep.

Day 10: April 1, 2012

Weight: 176 pounds

I’m still grouchy and I really thought I was supposed to be “enlightened” by now.  It’s been 10 days without food and it feels like two months.  And I have to sit here and watch my husband eat an entire box of Oatmeal Crème Pies.  Heck, I don’t even like Oatmeal Crème Pies, but anything sounds good right now.  Anything.  The only thing keeping me motivated right now is the thought of losing more weight and getting closer to the weight I desire and the weight I need to be at according to the doctor.  4 more days, just 4 more days…

Day 11: April 2, 2012

Weight: 175 pounds

Down 11 pounds!! Woot!

I was energized today. I decided to start adding an extra tablespoon of maple syrup to my drinks.  It has enhanced the flavor and has kept me up and going with the energy.  I think I should have had this much all along, and then lowered my intake with the cayenne pepper.

Day 12: April 3, 2012

Weight: 175 pounds

(Didn't journal)

Day 13: April 4, 2012

Weight: 174 pounds

My Act 1 costume is starting to become too big on me -- I'm swimming in it!  Even though the scale only says 12 pounds, I feel like I've lost more in inches. I'm no longer a size 14 in jeans.  I'm almost a size 12, but not completely yet.  I can wear 12's but it isn't extremely flattering quite yet.  Still though, not being able to fit in my jeans made me jump up and down in excitement. 

Day 14: April 5, 2012

Weight: 174 pounds

Today is the big day! The last day.  Wasn't sure if this day would ever come.  I'm excited to eat again, but I know that I need to treat my body better.  The whole point of this is to put me back into a healthy lifestyle and I think I will be accomplishing that.  This weight loss isn't going to be fast from here on out, it isn't going to be easy either, but if I can go two weeks without solid food I think I can pretty much do anything.

Two days later (after easing off) I had my very first salad.

I actually woke up and said to David, "I'm so excited!!!! I'm going to the salad bar at Albertson's!"

I realized that was a pretty redneck thing to say... but oh well, I drove on over and stacked a giant plate with spinach, lettuce, every other veggie in the book, strawberries, blueberries, etc... then I drove home and took pictures of it before I gobbled it all down.  Well, not exactly gobbled.  I had three bites then was full.  So I ate more the next day... and the next. :)

 My tastebuds were going crazy.  Every taste was unique, different, and was like the scene in Ratatouille where I saw fireworks going off in my head.  Also, my tongue was having a hard time differentiating between the coldness of a strawberry and the warmness of a bite of David's soup I had.  It was almost as if I hadn't eaten in weeks... oh wait.

It was an experience, and like I said before I plan to do it again and again.  Since then,  I have been eating healthy -- making sure to stay away from processed foods and really rely on the good stuff.  I still haven't eaten meat, but have been eating fish and seafood.

Thank you for reading all of this, and as always I will continue to update you on my progress!!

easter sunday.

It's a beautiful morning, not only because it is Easter Sunday but because it's another reminder that every day is a blessing-- that I don't have to live in guilt or shame with my life because Jesus paid it all on the cross.

I have a confession to make.  We weren't able to make it to church today.  I had two shows yesterday, getting home around midnight.  David was throwing up everything yesterday and was pretty ill, so when I came home I wanted to make sure I was able to take care of him and love on him.  Let's just say I slept through my alarm by a few hours... still feel so tired and have to leave again in about an hour for our last show.  David says he feels a lot better than yesterday, but he's still trying to sleep it off. We want to spend Easter with his family but he has to get better in order to do that.  So,  I decided I could sit here and feel guilty about not going to church on Easter, or I could realize that my relationship with God is what matters so I choose the latter.  I spent time with him today.  I have so much to be grateful for!

1.  The Master Cleanse is over and I've lost 12 pounds!

I'm very happy with my progress and excited for my future.  As a young woman who has spent almost my entire life feeling like something is holding me back, and then realizing that that something is that I haven't been confident with the weight on my body, this change is a positive one.  I have a long way to go, but I think if I can go 14 days without food, I can pretty much do anything when it comes to being healthy.  My next step is the 30 day Shred... I want to finish it!  I will keep you posted on my progress.

2.  The cast and crew of The Marvelous Wonderettes at the IceHouse Theatre

It's very rare to be in a show with three other girls and there not be any drama.  It's been an amazing last few months spending every day with these ladies.  We became like family, and I will miss them so much! 

3.   The Seussical at Baggy Pants Theatre

17 year old me with a friend who played Horton the Elephant

 Well, I found out a few days ago I am cast in the Seussical at Baggy Pants Theatre in Maitland!  So excited to do the show again.  Last time I did it I was a senior in high school and got to play Gertrude. This time I'm a bird girl, but am excited to work with a new theatre.

Those are just a few of my many reflections today!  I plan on posting the journal I kept during the cleanse just in case anyone wants to know what it's all about, so I will post that very soon!  Have a wonderful Easter, everyone!