changing direction.

I've really been slacking with the blog posts. Lately I just haven't been very inspired and didn't know what to talk about.

To be honest with you and with myself, lately I've needed a lot of self-evaluation. What do I mean? Well, to put it simply, my heart hasn't been completely pure since leaving our church. I've had little annoyances and bitterness with every church we've visited - I've been looking at each church and evaluating something about them, always finding something wrong. I've been extremely Debby Downer and negative. Because I've been hurt, I've built a wall, blocking the positive and letting in the negative. And I'm writing this and telling you this personal part of me because I want you to know, as my friends and family, that I've been going through this for weeks but I want to change. I want to have a positive outlook on life. I want to believe in myself and others. I want to love deeper and get annoyed less.

I just don't really know where to start.

You know that stage that most of us go through in our adolescence where we are self conscious, don't have faith in ourselves, think we can't do things, etc? I never went through that as a child. I never went through that as a preteen, or even a teenager. I'm going through it now.
Those pitiful voices are always in my head saying I'm not good enough - in whatever area of life it is. And yes, it may because I happen to be a girl, but it's more than that. A part of me has believed these voices and lies, and I've been suffering as a result. I mean, I've been really miserable the last few months, always wanting to compare myself to those more successful, beating myself up because I'm 20 and haven't accomplished much of anything.

But I so have. More than most 20 year olds. I know this to be true when I allow myself to not dismiss the reality and turn it into a lie. I'm a strong person. And I found the love of my life at 18 years old when there are people searching for their soul mate. I'm blessed and accomplished. I've overcome heartache, depression and sadness when I realized the world I had 1,600 miles away will never be the same.

I need to learn how to praise myself... not think more highly of myself than I do of others but to love myself, the strengths and WEAKNESSES, whether I've lost weight or gained, whether or not I can hit that high note or belt a song out like Carrie Underwood.

Today's sermon at church spoke to me. Pastor said that the more we focus on the bad or negative things, the more we will be that person. The more we focus on the positive and great things, the more we will become that person. Simply said, but deep.

I need to change my focus and direction. I want to have a gift of looking at somebody and seeing the great things about them, rather than the negatives (we all do it from time to time).
I want to recognize the great things about me and work on the bad things cheerfully.


I hope that in the next few months you will be seeing a more positive change in me, and see the light of Jesus more brightly than you could before. If you know me personally, I'm giving you permission to call me out on my junk. We are here to support each other and build one another.

"All things are possible to Him who believes."
Mark 9:23