purpose.

Yesterday and today David and I have sat in our condo all day, catching up on sleep, spending time together, and watching movies. David also caught a little bit of the short sickness I had this week - runny nose, cough, fatigue, etc.

There hasn't been a whole lot going on lately. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Nothing too eventful. I saw my family for a few days about 2 weeks ago. It was great seeing them. As always, though, when I go back to the place I left behind, I feel sadness and confusion. It's safe to say I still don't know exactly why God called us here to Florida, but it's been a heck of a journey trying to find out. Through all the emotions I've felt over the last 2 years, I know that it's going to get better, just don't know when. And I'm laying this out here because I don't want it to look like I have my life figured out, because I'm not God. And I also know that through all the trials and tribulations I endure in life, it makes my testimony that much stronger. And that's what I have to look forward to more than anything, I think.

I have heard that everyone goes through a stage in their life where they feel lost. Whether it's financially, emotionally, physically, or spiritually - or even all the above. I can relate to this with the season I'm in right now. For many years, I've battled bouts of depression. I had thoughts of suicide at 13 and one time planned to go through with it, but I clearly heard God speak to me in the moment of my darkest hour and say, "You have something to live for." I didn't know what that meant, but hearing His voice made me a little afraid. Was he telling me I was powerful beyond what I can imagine? The thought of me living something out bigger than I dreamed made me a little fearful. I (obviously) didn't follow through with the act.
But there were times I remembered that night and wondered why God had spoken those words to me.
When I was in high school years later, a friend called me in the middle of the night. Crying hysterically, he told me that he was about to kill himself but clearly heard God's voice. He heard these words: "Call Shaylee."
Instantly, I saw part of God's plan for my life instantly unravel before my own eyes.
In a moment where I could have ended my life, God wanted to save it so I could help save somebody else's.

Ever since that incident, I have a deeper understanding that everything happens for a reason. The crap we endure, the nights where we feel alone, the people that walk out of our lives, every tear we cry... it's all a part of a bigger plan. I'm not saying God makes bad things happen to people, I'm saying that He can use any bad situation and make it GOOD.

And He has.

To this day, I still deal with anxiety and depression, but I've learned that this is character growth. One day I'm going to be able to help others who are dealing with these things, I'll be able to speak wisdom and life over their future. Counseling is going to help me, but only God can restore me. This I know as truth.

To all of you reading this blog who are feeling alone, worthless, insecure, sad, afraid or helpless I want you to know that it isn't up to you to figure it out. But you will never get better and you won't heal properly if you don't know who Created you. Maybe you're afraid of God, or maybe you've given up. Know that He has not given up on you and NEVER will, no matter what you do in your life. He wants all of you, not a part of you. He wants to show you true joy, He wants to impact your life so you will spread the good news to others.
You are here on earth for MORE than yourself. There are people out there that need you, now and in the future.

And if you don't see it now...
You will.

These are words I'm living by, & I hope you do the same.

Love, Shaylee